Lately I feel like I have seen so many beautiful, intelligent, kind hearted women (sometimes men), getting their hearts stepped on. Husbands cheating on their wives or visa versa, husbands cheating on their families, lying, constantly putting you down, controlling; telling you what to wear, who you can be friends with, they make you feel crazy because they have cheated so much you can’t even trust that they’re just going to get a haircut anymore.
A lot of these people have already gone back to their partners more than once. And each time I see it, I feel so sad for them and I desperately feel the need to message them and tell them everything I wish someone would have told me. I want to flood them with all of the information I learned when I went through what they’re going through so they don’t repeat the same mistakes I did. But I don’t want to make anyone feel like I’m pushing any opinion on them, because let’s be real, they’re going to do what they want to do. And that’s ok. Everyone has to walk away in their own time.
But hopefully if this is you and you decide to read this, then I can give you some insight on what you deserve, signs to look for, a different mindset and what it’s like once you gather the strength to leave. Without having to jump in your dm’s.
Here’s my story and let’s see how much ours are alike. And then you will see where I am now and hopefully it can show you where you can be to. Where you deserve to be.
I was 16. Young love can be so magical and yet so devastating at the same time. It’s the first time you fall for someone and at first it’s pure excitement, discovering all of these feeling you can have for someone that you have never felt before. But I was extremely vulnerable and impressionable. I didn’t know what else was out there, he was it. He started off just a handsome guy with a great smile, sweet, made me laugh, made me feel special, loving and honest. Then I feel once he knew I was hooked, he began to treat me how he wanted when he felt like it.
The, I guess you would say abuse, started off small. He would tell me how I should dress, that I should work out, I should tan my skin. He would get upset when I wanted to go to a movie with my friends. He would tell me my dreams were stupid, my goals were stupid, he eventually started wanting to look through my phone. But some days he was so sweet and affectionate like he was in the beginning, and others he would crush me. He would be cold, sneaky and act like I wasn’t even there. When we were alone he would treat me badly, but around his friends he would hold me tight.
But that’s how he kept me around. Just when I would think, “this is bullshit, I’m not going to let him treat me this way” he would go and do something extremely kind and pull me back in.
It got to a point where I stopped telling my best friends everything he was doing because I didn’t want them to not like him since I knew I was going to just stay. But now I had no one to turn to.
After the little things were out of the way, he started cheating. He would put his phone on silent and in his dresser drawer. He would get extremely, extremely jealous of anything, which I learned later he was because he himself were cheating. Something I never though in a million years he could be capable of doing. I would have bet my life on it. It started off him just texting another girl which I forgave him for, and it ended in him having a 6+ month relationship with someone that I had no clue about. He gave me every excuse in the book, “I don’t love her I love you, I made a mistake, I’ll tell her I’ll never talk to her again, blah blah blah”.
I had never felt a pain like that before in my life. How can someone cheat on you but beg and plead and cry for you to forgive them? Some how I forgave him in time but it was never the same. I found myself randomly crying. Crying myself to sleep. Thinking about what he did constantly, wondering what he was doing that second, if he was where he said he was, wanting to check his phone which is something I’m so against.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
He would constantly make me feel guilty for asking questions and worrying about if he was being honest. I kept hearing rumors and I didn’t know what to think of them. Do I believe my boyfriend who has cheated and lied or my friends. No brainer right.
Of corse they were true. They turned out to be true.
Our relationship was just in shambles. I was so angry and hurt constantly, but we were desperately clinging to each other. It was just all so confusing. I was in love with this person, the only, “in love” had ever known, we had gone through some of the hardest times in our lives together. Every time he did something bad enough for me to want to leave he would cry so much and literally laid across me in my car while I cried trying to go, begging me to stay. He would cry to his mom, cry to my family. It was just so, so hard to leave someone who had convinced me we were going to be together forever even though kept cheating and lying.
It was that addicting love, the love that literally hurt your heart. When I would leave him, I would cry.
THAT, is toxic love.
Love isn’t supposed to hurt… Let me say it again.
Love isn’t suppose to hurt.
At this time I was at the end of my relationship, he was just constantly calling me and I kept ignoring him. I was in technical training in the Air Force where I met Tom and he became my best friend and knew everything that had gone on between you know who and I. Thank God I confided in him because he truly talked some sense into me and gave me that extra strength I needed to 100% let him go. I blocked him on everything under the sun and moved to the other side of the world. (I WIN) lol
And that was it.
Almost 4 years later I haven’t thought about it.
One thing I was so afraid of was that I would never trust anyone ever again. I was lied to, to my face for so long and never noticed it. I didn’t trust myself anymore or my judgment.
But somehow I fell in love with Tom so quickly. (Some would think we were crazy and maybe we are but it’s clearly working). I can truly say I have never once worried about him. Thank God I got out because if I wouldn’t have, I would never know how amazing someone could be to me. He is so kind and gentle, affectionate and encouraging. He builds my confidence, make me feel smart, makes me feel beautiful. I know what It feels like to be appreciated now.
You guys. What what really want you to know. Is that there are so many good, honest people in this world. There are so many people who want you. Who want to treat you like no other. There are 7.3 billion people on this earth, so why stay with the one person that treats you less than you deserve. You will never grow as a person if you stay with someone just wants to hold you down.
You can not change someone. They have to want to change. A cheater will ten thousand percent never stop cheating. Even if they believe they love you, they will always always cheat. Not everyone is capable of being faithful.
Letting go of that toxic relationship made room for a healthier one.
Letting go of that toxic relationship gave me confidence.
Letting go of that toxic relationship was good for my mental health.
Letting go of that toxic relationship taught me that I am capable and have the strength to let go of any relationship that is a negative one.
By far the best thing was, letting go of that toxic relationship allowed me to truly forgive and let go of all of the pain and sadness that I couldn’t before.
We have one life to live, one chance to get it right and be as happy as you possibly can. Just give some one who actually deserves the chance to make you happy.
You can be happy, you can fall in love again, you can, if you just walk away.